No Place Like Home: On Dealing With Death | In Search of Sheila

No Place Like Home: On Dealing With Death

December 26, 2015




There's no place like home for the holidays... This year was very different than the Christmases I am used to. I have not mentioned this on the blog yet, because I just wasn't ready to bring it up I guess, but now seems like the appropriate time. My grandmother who lived with me since I was a child passed away this last September at the age of 84 (She was just a week shy of turning 85). I have to be honest with you all, I have not suffered the loss of a loved one super close to me, ever. My cousin Matt died in a car accident 5 years ago at the age of 20 and it was quite devastating because of how young he was. We weren't, however, extremely close because he lived in Missouri. I don't even remember the last time I saw him before that. What I mean to say, really, is that I have a different way of dealing with death than most people.

Naturally, I grieved at the death of my grandmother. She had not been doing very well the past year and was in and out of the hospital and spent a lot of time in a nursing home. I wasn't really effected by this too much because I didn't live at home since I was away at college. So coming home for Christmas, I knew it was going to be different at home, but wasn't sure how different. The other thing is that I am staying in her old room (the one I was staying in before is connected to my parent's room and was super tiny, so I asked my mom if I could stay in her room.) Surprisingly, I adjusted pretty well to it. Most of her things were removed, although it still kinda smells like her. I actually feel bad at how well I have adjusted to her being gone? Is that okay? Like I said, I (and we all) deal with death differently. Prior and during her funeral I cried my eyes out for days but I had a sense of closure after the service and saying my "good-byes." I miss my grandmother (Nanny is what I called her) terribly but I know that life is just a cycle and we all end of dying. I've always been a practical person, so I guess that's how I deal with death: it's just part of life. I do feel sad for my brother because he still lives at home, so it is obviously different for him for Nanny not being here anymore (especially around the holidays). 

What makes me sad is when I think about the last time I saw her alive and how proud she was of me. She never failed to tell me how proud she was at all my accomplishments and I was heart broken that she wouldn't be around to see me receive my Master's degree. But I know she was watching from above cheering me on. 

Okay, I'm going to leave it there for now! I think getting this off my chest will make me feel refreshed and ready for the new year. I plan on doing a 2015 outfit rewind as per usual so stay tuned for that :)

(Oh yeah this is the outfit I wore on Christmas! The sweater is 2 years old from Marshalls' and I'm pretty sure I've worn it every year hahah. The skirt is from CNDirect which I've featured on here before and the thing around my wrist is a hair band from Forever 21.)

7 comments

  1. Hello dear, first of all, I loved your sweater!
    And I couldn't help to read all this post because only by reading the title I felt quite identified with you. I lost my father when I was thirteen and it was really devastating, mostly because I wasn't prepared to face such an event in my life (I think that no one is prepared to face a beloved one's death, but this was particularly shocking because he was generally a healthy man and he wasn't sick or something, he died of a heart attack, and irreversible one). He was quite young, he was in his late 40s, not so young but still, we expect people around us to die when they are in their 70s and onwards.
    In those times, I considered myself as a believer in god and life after death, and trascendental things, but I lost my faith as I grew older, and I found out that I live happier thinking that we have only one life and we have to make the most of it everyday as it is the last day. Of course, I am not saying my beliefs are the most correct, I respect and accept other's opinion and I think that my point of view can change eventually.
    I am really sorry about your loss, it makes me glad that you are dealing with that in a normal way and I don't think that you should feel guilty about not feeling sad all the time.

    I wish you a Happy New Year, and sorry for the non-perfect English haha.
    Walking Freckle
    thisblogbelongstosabi.blogspot

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  2. I deal similarly to you. I cry it all out at first, then sort of focus on moving on. I've always seen death as part of the cycle as well. I'm very pragmatic and logical, so I've always been worried about spending my time productively and efficiently. For me, past a certain point, my grief was a waste of my own time that is meant to be spent living, not crying and musing over death. That's how I have dealt with the deaths that have occurred in my life. I know they wouldn't want me crying over them, they would want me doing my thing. Surely, it's not fun for them to watch from above if I'm just sad lol. They want me to be doing something interesting, haha. But yeah, that's what I think about it.

    www.indigoritual.com

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  3. Death is an odd topic for me because I've never experienced a death of a close one before, too. The most recent loss I had to endure was that of a person I considered the father I never had a month or so ago, too, and it was an extremely odd process to go through mostly because I coped pretty well.

    Like you, I found myself thinking whether it's alright for me to be this okay and whether it's okay for me to smile. I hope you're alright now, Sheila, I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I'm loving your Christmas outfit, too.

    Have a lovely Sunday. <3

    Lots of love,
    May. x
    THE MAYDEN

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss.. Glad I found your blog! xx

    Rhenicia | Beauty By Rhenicia

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  5. The holidays really are a time to reflect on this sort of thing. Sending best wishes to you and your family! X

    hailandharmony.blogspot.ie

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  6. There's no right or wrong way to grieve or react. My dad died when I was young and my mum and granddad died this year so it's a topic I'm well versed in. As long as you feel like you can adjust with how you grieve, that's all that matters

    https://matchamilady.wordpress.com/

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  7. I'm sorry I did not read this sooner.. my grandmother on my father's side passed away this year too, just a few days after her birthday. grandmothers are always proud of their grandchildren, no matter what, and mine was the same :) I'm sure you have lots of good memories with her, keep them close to your heart <3 rest in peace
    www.samanthamariko.com

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